The Search for the Holy Emblem
by Meteroid
Summary: Monty Python and the Holy Grail with Fire Emblem characters and madness!
1. The madness season begins!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Monty Python characters or Fire Emblem characters. Get it? If you don't, you are a moron. Go away and die in a fire. Good day to you.  
  
Other note type crap things: Wow, I'm actually writing a fic! Amazing. I can feel the seismic activity now. Don't waste your time by sending me "constructively criticizing" reviews. A good review would be nice though.  
  
"I am Kent! King of the Lycians! Whose castle is this?"  
"Wha? This is just a model! I'm only a plastic figurine!" Sain dances atop the castle. Lucius comes out from behind the set, wearing a black beret and a gold monocle.  
"Stop it-..." Lucius suddenly stopped talking as Canas glared down at his miniscule figure.  
"That's my trademark, fruitcake." He said in a low, dangerous voice. Lucius turns up his noise and adjusts the eye- piece.  
"Remember the triangle, my dear Canas." He flashes his spellbook and strolls onto the set. Lucius carefully climbs up the ladder and raises and eyebrow at Sain. He plants his hands on his hips. "Sain! Quit screwing around!"  
As Sain begins to protest, Canas stands in the shadows, cursing the producers of FE. Jaffar appears beside him, as vague and uninviting as ever.  
"..." Jaffar was silent.  
Canas smirked. "Dude! You sounded just like Rath!" He shoved his arm playfully. Jaffar said nothing, only glaring straight ahead of him. Suddenly, he turned, hearing something, faintly sounding like singing. It grew louder, so much that Canas also turned in that direction. A group of shamans passed by, Nosferatsu books in hand. They sing/chant in perfect unison.  
"Eie Jesu domina, eie equis requiem..." They follow up each chant by thwacking the books on their foreheads. Lucius nodded his head approvingly, and spoke to Canas and Jaffar, a bit frazzled from all the climbing.  
"Shamans... we hired them for the show. Fabulous, aren't they?" He said, grinning jovially.  
"Indeed. A bit stereotypical though..." Canas commented, resenting the mindless, drone-like shamans fading into the distance.  
"Mmm..." Lucius said distractedly. He then walked off, ready to begin the next scene. 


	2. A witch! A witch!

"We've got a witch! A witch!" A hyperactive a.k.a. normal Nils called, along with about 4 dozen extras. "A witchhhhhh!" Nils twirled, making his shorts fly up in a very disturbing fashion.  
Lucius shoved Canas into the scene, decked out in a suit of... well, I guess you could call it armor. Does a metal bucket and a sheet of aluminum count? Anyway... Once again cursing, Canas adjusted his monocle and... helmet. He sniffed and looked at the "mob" distastefully.  
"There are ways of telling whether-..." Canas stopped and glared at Nils, muttering under his breath.  
"Nils! Where is the witch?!"  
Nils giggled. "Oops!" He ran off the set, and dragged Lucius onto the scene. Lucius kicked, flailed, and shouted protests. Nils had fitted a long radish to his nose, and a small, tin hat on his head.  
"THIS ISN'T IN THE SCRIPT!" Lucius screamed and was forced into Canas' arms.  
Canas twitched. Lucius blushed a deep red and scrambled back onto the plank of wood. Regaining his composure, Canas spoke again.  
"There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. Now, what do you do burn?" He spoke wisely, and Nils and the extras immediately piped up.  
"WITCHES!" The all screamed excitedly.  
"What else do you burn?" Canas suggested a tinge of annoyance in his voice.  
"MORE WITCHES!!!" Nils burst out, while the extra next to him smacked him upside the head.  
The extra then spoke, after a moment of thought. "Wood!"  
"Very good!" Canas praised, and then went on. "So, if you burn wood, that means..." He hinted.  
Nils pondered, deep in thought. "That means... witches are made of wood!"  
"Correct!" Canas said, forcing a smile.  
"So... if she burns, she's made of wood, so... she's a witch!"  
"A witch! A witch! Burn her, burn her!" They all screamed happily.  
Lucius sobbed. "But I am male! He! Not she! He!" He said loudly, though no one paid any mind to him.  
"But there is one other test! If a witch is made of wood, what else could we test?"  
"Build a bridge out of her!" Nils danced around excitedly.  
"Ah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?" Canas said gently.  
"Oh yeah, right..." Nils said, a bit dissapointed.  
"Wood floats in water!" An extra quipped.  
"Yes! Now, what else floats in water?" Canas questioned.  
"Flutes!"  
"Killing Edges!"  
"Very small vulneraries!"  
"Steel axes!"  
"Temples!"  
"VAIDA!"  
Kent stood in the background, and spoke regally. "A duck!"  
Canas nodded in his direction. "Exactly! Nils then thought. "So, if she floats in water... she's made of wood!" "Correct!" "Throw her into the pond! Throw her into the pond!" They all shouted. "Wait, wait...." Nils said. "If she weighs as much as a duck, she's made of wood!" "Yeah burn her!" And they took Lucius away. "AT LEAST CALL ME A WARLOCK! THIS ISN'T FAIR! I'M THE DIRECTOR!" Lucius called. 


	3. King Kent and the Black Knight!

Struggling away from the witch scene, Lucius adjusted the beret and lead Kent and Marcus into a thick forest. Marcus leaned over and whispered into Lucius' ear. "Now, I'll get full compensation for this, right?" "Umm... yes." Lucius said unsurely. Marcus nodded and got on his suit of black armor, specially fitted just for him. Kent moved to the entrance of the forest, and got ready to arrive. "Alright, places everyone! Wait... where's Heath? Heath! Out here, now!" Lucius yells, quite irritated at this point. He flies off set in a tizzy, only to find Heath feeding his wyvern some raw meat. "HEATH! No time... get on set!" He points in the direction of the forest.  
"I can't believe I have to play such a stupid character..." Heath grumbled as he plugged in some fake, crooked teeth and grabs two plastic coconuts. Running to stand behind Kent, a large pack on his back, he looks to Lucius. "Ready, then?"  
Lucius began to speak. "Ye-..." He glared fiercely at Heath. "PLEASE! If there is any humanity left within you, tie up that filth you call hair!" He growled.  
"Sorry, sorry..." Heath said resignedly. Geez, ever since we got our conditioners mixed up he's got some sort of grudge against me... He thought in annoyance. Tying back his hair, he sighed and stood at the ready.  
"Alright, acccctiooooon!" Lucius called, feeling ever important.  
Kent galloped on his "horse" to where Marcus was standing, over the body of a dead extra. Heath resentfully, but loyally clopped the coconuts together. Kent "stopped" the horse, stood in front of the black knight, and spoke.  
"You have the strength of many men, good sir knight! I am Kent, King of the Lycians! Will you join my Knights of the Round Table?"  
The knight stays silent. He stands still as the grave, both hands gripping his sword, which is planted firmly in the ground.  
"Will you, good sir knight, join my warriors of the Round Table?" Kent repeats a bit irritated.  
Still, the knight says nothing.  
"You make me sad." Kent says regretfully. "Well, I must pass through, sir knight."  
"None shall pass." The knight says firmly.  
"To get to my homeland, I must pass!" Kent protests firmly.  
"I move for no man!"  
"I must pass!"  
"Then die! Draw your sword."  
"I have no quarrel against you, sir. But if we must..." Kent says, and draws Excalibur. The knight, careless in fighting, lunges forward. Kent parries simply, and waits for the next attack. The black knight lunges again, and the king parries again. Once more the knight runs toward Kent, and the king slices his right arm. Blood spurts from the wound, but the black knight makes no pleas of mercy.  
"The battle is mine!" Kent claims victoriously.  
"No! I'm still going!"  
"Your arm is gone!" He protests.  
"No, it isn't!"  
"Yes it is! Then, what is that one the ground?"  
"It's only a flesh wound!" Marcus proclaims. Kent moves closer and slices his other arm off.  
"Now, the battle is mine!" Kent kneels, and begins to pray. "Dear Lord, I win-..." Suddenly, the black knight begins to kick at Kent.  
"HAVE AT YOU!" He screams triumphantly. He fiercely kicks Kent, and hits his shin.  
Suddenly, Kent stops and tears well up in his eyes. His lower lip begins to tremble, and he begins to wail. He rolls around in the dirt, clutching his shin, as if it were a fatal wound.  
"You know I got hit there at Port Badonnnnnnnnnnnnn!" He cries.  
"Dear God, Kent! I have both my beep arms cut off!" The guy with the little beeping button gives a thumbs-up to Lucius. Marcus stalks off, and Lucius just stands there, frozen. Why me? He thinks. Heath stands in the background, snickering and jeering. As if on cue, Sain comes running from far away, and tackles Heath.  
"Don't you mock my l-... friend!" He says nervously, but incessantly pounds on him. What will become of the play? 


	4. The Knights Who Say Nils! Wait I mean N...

A note: Soon, if you all are interested and like this fic, I will be writing another fic! Another smash-up with Monty Python, hehe. This time it will be based off of "And Now For Something Completely Different!" (It involves Sain robbing a lingerie store, you'll see) Yay, so look out for that soon!  
  
Kent, Canas and Heath walk warily though a thick wood. Hearing a rustling of leaves, Kent turns, but sees nothing. Again hearing a subtle sound, Canas snaps his head to the side, and sees a shadowy figure skulking through the forest. Suddenly, they all come face to face with an oversized, hairy knight in a rather foolish helmet with devil horns.  
"Who are you?" Kent questioned.  
"We are the Knights Who Say... Ni!" Oswin shouts in a girlish, silly voice.  
"Nils, nils, nils, nils!" Nils prances around in a suit of extremely small suit of armor. Oswin pokes Nils with the lance and whispers harshly.  
"No! It's "ni" not "nils", you egotistical Ritalin-case!"  
"Nils, nils, nils!" He continues to shout until Oswin knocks him out with the butt of his lance.  
He clears his throat. "THE SAME!"  
"Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!" Kent says to Canas nervously.  
"Who ARE WE?" Nils says drowsily, coming to momentarily.  
"We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Neeeeee-wo!" Oswin proclaims.  
"Ni, ni, ni, ni!" The extras shout happily. A brief and quiet "Nils!" is heard in the background.  
Oswin glares at the motley crew. "The Knights of Ni demand... a sacrifice! Ni, ni, ni, ni!"  
"Auugghh, no! No! Please, please, no more!" Kent begged.  
"We will say Ni again to you if you do not appease us!" Oswin bellows, or rather squawks.  
What is it you want?" Kent asks resignedly.  
"We want... A SHRUBBERY!" Dramatic minor chord...!  
"O Knights of Ni, we will bring you a shrubbery!" Kent offered.  
"If you do not return with a shrubbery, you will never pass through these woods alive!" Oswin warned, sticking out his lance. (DO NOT TAKE THIS OUT OF CONTEXT, YOU SICKOS!)  
The group starts to leave.  
"One that's not too expensive!"  
"Of course!"  
"And make sure it looks nice!"  
"Yes!"  
"And maybe some pink flowers on it, with little butterflies..."  
"What?!"  
"Umm... nothing...." 


	5. Serra plays the Old Hag!

Another note: Sorry I took so long to write this chapter. You'd understand if you knew the torture of Science Fair.... Well, here it is, yay! I should be writing more frequently now.  
  
Our heroes King Kent and Canas rode into the plagued town, searching for a shrubbery, to appease the Knights of Ni. Citizens meandered about, and peddlers moved about the dirt roads, looking for victims to sell their wares to. They stopped in front of a poorly made shack on the side of the road. Kent looked around, raising an eyebrow. Then leaning over to Canas, he whispered to him.  
"Where's Serra?"  
"Umm... I don't know." Canas whispered back.  
Behind the scenes Lucius desperately tried to get Serra onto the set. As Serra wailed and cried, Lucius pushed her from behind in a very pansy- like fashion.  
"Serra, come on! We need you!" Persuaded Lucius.  
"No, NO! This is totally against my rights as an actress! Let me go!!" She screamed indignantly.  
"Now, Serra! Kent and Canas are waiting!"  
"I won't! I won't!"  
Eliwood came up behind Lucius and shook his head. He shoved Serra and she stumbled onto the scene. Meanwhile, Heath and Jaffar stared in awe.  
"Dude, that's sad..." Heath mumbled to Jaffar.  
"..." Jaffar "said".  
"God, you're so annoying!"" Heath fumed.  
Back on the set, Serra's tears flowed down her cheeks like sap from a maple tree.  
"Don't be such a wuss," Kent said, rolling his eyes.  
"If YOU were a beautiful, perfect woman who had to dress up like a horrible, hideous hag, how would YOU feel?" She cried helplessly.  
"I didn't know you had any alliteration in you Serra," Canas mused.  
She leaned over to Lucius. "What's that?"  
"No idea. On with the show!" Lucius proclaimed merrily.  
Kent cleared his throat and went on with the scene. "You there, woman!"  
"Yeah, whaddaya want?" Serra said, hands on hips.  
"Erm... the Knights of Ni have commanded us to retrieve a shrubbery," Kent said.  
"No... no, we've no shrubberies here." She said meekly.  
"Well, if you do not lead us to a shrubbery... we will... Ni!" Kent blurted out.  
"Do your worst!" Serra exclaimed.  
"Ni ni ni ni!" Kent continued. Serra crumpled onto the ground melodramatically.  
"Noo noo!" Canas said proudly.  
"No, no. You're doing it improperly," Kent said, "it's like this. Ni! Ni!"  
"Ni... Noo... Ni!" Canas said, thinking it over.  
"There you have it!" Kent said, smiling, as Serra wailed and screamed for her life. A cart approached, with Rath clicking the horse along.  
"Are you saying Ni to that old woman?" Rath questioned, looking them over suspiciously. They didn't answer.  
"There is a pestilence upon this land when young men can go around saying Ni to old ladies and-..." Rath started.  
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING OLD?" Serra screamed. Offset, she hurled herself into Erk's arms, sobbing uncontrollably. "Erky, it was terrible! He could me old! But I don't have a single wrinkle, do I Erky?"  
Erk simply stood there. His face a milk white, he spoke. "I think I'm going to be ill..." 


End file.
